Blog Archive

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Gender Identification

The identification of Man and Woman has been blurred by what many claim to be a genetically coded anomaly or variation acquired at birth. There are cases of hermaphroditic babies being physically altered and raised to be a gender that was imposed upon them at birth. One such individual was raised to be a girl, but experienced an attraction to girls sexually. She wanted to be a boy because that was the gender imprinted in her body. So, eventually she was able to transition to being a boy as an adult. There is no question that gender identification can be confused, even from birth, where a person will have desires consistent with the opposite sex that they physically are not endowed with. There can be a powerful incentive to want to change their sexual identity physically and openly. This does happen. Still, there is in the general population a predominance of Men and Women as Heterosexuals that will form relationships and Marry. A large number of these have children and constitute the Family Unit. In these Family Units boundaries, expectations, and other influences can cause children to develop Homosexual tendencies and desires. Whether it be Nature or Nurture, it takes time to develop identity sexually and there is a strong degree of conflict.

Madness and Oppression Guide -- Icarus Project

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Rose Marie Kennedy

In November 1941, when Rosemary Kennedy was 23, doctors told Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. that a new neurosurgical procedure, lobotomy, would help calm her mood swings and stop her occasional violent outbursts.[15] (About 80 lobotomies, 80% on women, had been performed in the United States at the time.) He decided that his daughter should have the lobotomy performed; however, he did not inform his wife Rose of this until after the procedure was completed.[14] Rosemary was strapped to the operating table.[16] James W. Watts, who carried out the procedure with Walter Freeman, of Wingdale Psychological and Correctional Facility, described what happened next (as narrated by Ronald Kessler):
"We went through the top of the head, I think she was awake. She had a mild tranquilizer. I made a surgical incision in the brain through the skull. It was near the front. It was on both sides. We just made a small incision, no more than an inch." The instrument Dr. Watts used looked like a butter knife. He swung it up and down to cut brain tissue. "We put an instrument inside", he said. As Dr. Watts cut, Dr. Freeman put questions to Rosemary. For example, he asked her to recite the Lord's Prayer or sing "God Bless America" or count backwards..... "We made an estimate on how far to cut based on how she responded." ..... When she began to become incoherent, they stopped.[17]
After the lobotomy, it quickly became apparent that the procedure was not successful. Kennedy's mental capacity diminished to that of a two-year-old child. She could not walk or speak intelligibly and was considered incontinent.[18]

Aftermath

After the procedure, Rosemary was immediately institutionalized where she remained for the rest of her life. She initially lived for several years at Craig House, a private psychiatric hospital an hour north of New York City.[19] In 1949, she moved to a house in Jefferson, Wisconsin, where she lived for the rest of her life on the grounds of the St. Coletta School for Exceptional Children (formerly known as "St. Coletta Institute for Backward Youth").[20]
Archbishop Richard Cushing had told her father about St. Coletta's, an institution for more than three hundred people with disabilities, and her father traveled to and built a private house for her about a mile outside St. Coletta's main campus near Alverno House which was designed for adults who needed lifelong care.[21] The nuns called the house "the Kennedy cottage".[22] Two Catholic nuns, Sister Margaret Ann and Sister Leona, provided her care along with a student and a woman who worked on ceramics with Rosemary three nights a week. Alan Borsari supervised the team and was able to call in specialists.[23] Rosemary had a dog and a car that could be used to take her for rides.[22]
In response to her condition, Rosemary's parents separated her from her family. Rose Kennedy did not visit her for twenty years.[14] Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. did not visit his daughter at the institution.[24] While her older brother John was campaigning for re-election for the Senate in 1958, the Kennedy family explained away her absence by claiming she was reclusive. At one point, a rumor circulated that Rosemary was too busy working as a teacher for disabled children to make public appearances. The Kennedy family did not publicly explain her absence until after John was elected as President of the United States in 1961. The Kennedys did not reveal that she was institutionalized because of a failed lobotomy but instead said that she was deemed "mentally retarded".[14][25]
Following the death of her father in 1969, Rosemary was occasionally taken to visit relatives in Florida and Washington, D.C., and to her childhood home on Cape Cod. By that time, Rosemary had learned to walk again but did so with a limp. She never regained the ability to speak clearly and her arm was palsied.[14] Her condition is credited as the inspiration for Eunice Kennedy Shriver to later found the Special Olympics,[14] although Shriver told The New York Times in 1995 that that was not exactly the case.[26] In 1983, the Kennedy family gave $1 million to renovate Alverno House. The gift added a therapeutic pool and enlarged the chapel.[23]

Death

Rosemary Kennedy died from natural causes[27] on January 7, 2005, at the Fort Atkinson Memorial Hospital in Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin,[28] at the age of 86, with her sisters Jean, Eunice, and Patricia, and brother Ted, by her side.[29] She was buried beside her parents in Holyhood Cemetery in Brookline, Massachusetts.[30]
She was the first child of Joseph and Rose Kennedy to die from natural causes.

A Shocking and Horrific Reality

As shocking and horrific as this photo is, the real story behind it is almost unbelievable. A woman was found in her apartment 42 years after her death. Her mummified remains were still sitting in front of a TV which was still on and the place was full of cobwebs. Apparently her Bills had been paid up until the moment she ran out of money and someone decided to investigate. In all of those 42 years no one had checked on her or asked about her welfare. It far exceeds another story of a similar situation of a man found in his apartment five years after his death in the same mummified state. These are tragic.

Motörhead - Enter Sandman


Motorhead's Lemmy Kilmister died age 70 of an 'aggressive cancer.' Son of a Vicar that left him young (Lemmy said he was a 'weasel') he lived what he sang about. 'I don't want to live forever,' one of his lines from "Ace of Spades," a top hit from 1981 expressed that he didn't want to linger old. This Cover for Metallica's "Enter Sandman" seems appropriate. Lemmy said it was Rock and Roll not just Heavy Metal.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

HUMAN Extended version VOL.1

In one experiment, just telling a man he would be observed by a female was enough to hurt his psychological performance. -- Scientific American

In one experiment, just telling a man he would be observed by a female was enough to hurt his psychological performance.

iStock/Iconogenic
Movies and television shows are full of scenes where a man tries unsuccessfully to interact with a pretty woman. In many cases, the potential suitor ends up acting foolishly despite his best attempts to impress. It seems like his brain isn’t working quite properly and according to new findings, it may not be. Researchers have begun to explore the cognitive impairment that men experience before and after interacting with women. A 2009 study demonstrated that after a short interaction with an attractive woman, men experienced a decline in mental performance. A more recent study suggests that this cognitive impairment takes hold even when men simply anticipate interacting with a woman who they know very little about.
Sanne Nauts and her colleagues at Radboud University Nijmegen in the Netherlands ran two experiments using men and women university students as participants. They first collected a baseline measure of cognitive performance by having the students complete a Stroop test. Developed in 1935 by the psychologist John Ridley Stroop, the test is a common way of assessing our ability to process competing information. The test involves showing people a series of words describing different colors that are printed in different colored inks. For example, the word “blue” might be printed in green ink and the word “red” printed in blue ink. Participants are asked to name, as quickly as they can, the color of the ink that the words are written in. The test is cognitively demanding because our brains can’t help but process the meaning of the word along with the color of the ink. When people are mentally tired, they tend to complete the task at a slower rate.
After completing the Stroop Test, participants in Nauts’ study were asked to take part in another supposedly unrelated task. They were asked to read out loud a number of Dutch words while sitting in front of a webcam. The experimenters told them that during this “lip reading task” an observer would watch them over the webcam. The observer was given either a common male or female name. Participants were led to believe that this person would see them over the web cam, but they would not be able to interact with the person. No pictures or other identifying information were provided about the observer—all the participants knew was his or her name. After the lip reading task, the participants took another Stroop test. Women’s performance on the second test did not differ, regardless of the gender of their observer. However men who thought a woman was observing them ended up performing worse on the second Stroop test. This cognitive impairment occurred even though the men had not interacted with the female observer.
In a second study, Nauts and her colleagues again began the experiment by having each participant complete the Stroop test. Then each participant was led to believe they would soon be taking part in the same “lip reading” task similar to the first study. Half were told that a man would observe them and the other half were led to believe that a woman would observe them. In reality, participants never engaged in the task. After being told about it, they completed another Stroop test to measure their current level of cognitive functioning.
Once again, women’s performance on the test did not differ, regardless of whether they were expecting a man or woman to observe them. But men who had been told a woman would observe them ended up doing much worse on the second Stroop task. Thus, simply anticipating the opposite sex interaction was enough to interfere with men’s cognitive functioning.
In today’s society people frequently interact with each other over the phone or online, where the only way to infer somebody’s gender is through their name or voice. Nauts’ research suggests that even with these very limited interactions, men may experience cognitive impairment when faced with the opposite sex. Although the studies on their own don’t offer any concrete explanations, Nauts and her colleagues think that the reason may have something to do with men being more strongly attuned to potential mating opportunities. Since all of their participants were both heterosexual and young, they might have been thinking about whether the woman might be a potential date.
The results may also have to do with social expectations. Our society may place more pressure on men to impress women during social interactions. Although this hypothesis remains speculative, previous research has shown that the more you care about making the right impression, the more your brain gets taxed. Such interactions require us to spend a great deal of mental energy imagining how others might interpret our words and actions. For example, psychologists Jennifer Richeson and Nicole Shelton found that Caucasian Americans who hold stronger racial prejudices face similar cognitive impairments after interacting with somebody who is African American. In these situations, individuals who hold strong prejudices must try hard to come across as not prejudiced. In a different study, Richeson and her colleagues found that less privileged students at elite universities experience similar cognitive impairments after being observed by their wealthier peers.
Overall, it seems clear that whenever we face situations where we’re particularly concerned about the impression that we’re making, we may literally have difficulty thinking clearly. In the case of men, thinking about interacting with a woman is enough to make their brains go a bit fuzzy.
Daisy Grewal received her PhD in social psychology from Yale University. She is a researcher at the Stanford School of Medicine, where she investigates how stereotypes affect the careers of women and minority scientists.

That Drunk Girl

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

My First Orgasm

I remember my first orgasm, a paroxysm of complete Joy and Release, as though it were yesterday. I was either ten or 11 in about sixth Grade over 40 years ago. It happened totally by accident during a triumphant moment of achievement in Gym Class at my Elementary School. You see, I had been struggling to climb the pole which was lowered along with thick ropes to climb from the Gym ceiling when I suddenly was in the Zone and I scrambled all the way to the top and touched the ceiling. I was wearing my new Jock Strap and Gym Shorts and my legs were clamped tightly around the pole when I felt the most amazing feeling. My life was literally transformed then and there. I lingered at the top, looking around, when Bill the Janitor came walking into the Gym and the boys standing in line below me began to complain that I was taking too long and they were eager to take their turn. So after dry humping the pole by instinct, I descended, as the amazing phenomenon subsided. I felt a little sick, but other than that I was never better. I had no idea what had just occurred, and neither did anyone else. Still, I was born again to a new life I could only imagine. I have been trying to duplicate the experience ever since. And that was my first orgasm.

Monday, December 21, 2015

“Death’s a rocket we take back to the stars, And grief is a train we ride to the horizon.”

The belief is within us that the bounty of the Terrestrial will reproduce us again and that the Celestial will take us Home. Humans are the only ones in the Universe to believe these things. Maybe Grief is something that takes us far away from where we have lost our home and Death transforms us again. These beliefs are both comforting and disturbing because we do not know from where we come from or where we are going. Science cannot answer these questions: What was the First Cause, the Source of all matter and life? The Big Bang? Possibly from some singularity, yes, but what preceded such an event?  It is the very act of cognition of these matters that bears witness to Intelligence bestowed.

As to where we are going, it seems clear that the Human Soul is a physical existence made up of tissues and blood animated for a time by a life force which flickers and smolders like a flame on a candle which, when extinguished goes no where but "out." Then we become a dead Soul, just as it appears to be, so we dispose of the remains as gently as possible and tell each other it is finally done. But, it is not over because there must be something more than simply being snuffed out like a flame. There must be some purpose, for all things have Purpose. Those believing in God may offer excuses that "God took them Home," or "needed another angel in Heaven," still, these are not comforting but to the one saying it to a loved one who has lost another loved one. Love needed that one here within their companionship on Earth. God does not "need" anything or anyone. Why blame Death on God?

Science cannot answer these questions. Although Religion claims to know what Science does not, it has only the evidence presented in Holy writings. If these are not really Holy writings then Religion is a pointless exercise in futility. If God did not have anything written down, then there is a very good chance that He does not exist. If God does not exist, then ALL of this is some accident; an anomaly of Cosmic proportions and gods are the product of our active imaginations. There is no Purpose then.

Science is unable to prove that there are no Holy writings of a Divine Source, just as it is incapable of disproving the existence of God or explain the Origin of the Universe or Life itself. Human Language is an "anomaly" according to Science, that appeared some thousands of years ago fully developed and capable of infinite usage. The existence of unique structures such as the human larynx and Broca's Area, among others, in the human brain that were "designed" specifically for Language Processing are not "mutations" or "adaptations" that "evolved" from animal sounds over long periods of time.

Science is vast, yet it is extremely limited as well. Saying that "God did it" is not the end of Science. It is the real beginning of Science. Today, though, "Science" has been elevated far above what it can actually explain. The "speed bump" in Museums of Natural History show fossil records of a false progression between Simian and Human skeletons. Standing side by side, those skeletons are clearly either Simian or Human. There is no "transitional" kind. There are extinct kinds of Simians and Humans, yes, but no transition between them. It was personally embarrassing to me to follow parents through these fossil displays at the museums trying to explain to their children how we "evolved."

I have been personally attacked and labelled every synonym of ignorant there is, arguing over the common use of the word "kind." I don't use the official scientific term Kind correctly. Out of these discussions I have concluded that these rabid promoters of "Science" over the Premise of God have actually replaced God with a Religion of "Science." So it is like oil and gasoline to discuss it at all. Monstrous and explosive statements have poured from highly educated people. I am not highly educated and I know that. I'm not pretending to be a Scholar of either "side." Then, the religious zealots chime in with ridiculous assertions about what they say the Bible says. Oil and gasoline.

The Internet provides the anonymity and disconnection of identity that brings out the worst of our humanity on these Online "discussions." What people would not say in your physical presence they will promote in Text. If there is a Moderator, their fingers must be flying in an attempt to keep the "lit matches" away from this tinder box of words. And, of course, there is no end of Trolls and agitators. Fortunately, if anyone reads this they are far removed from the Comments or they are a Robot. And in rare instances they are nice enough to simply move on. I have an intimate or automated audience. That's enough for now. Actually, it was too much. Science is good, but not THAT good. That's all.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Primer

To learn a Language one must acquire a Primer first. Yet, children exposed to multiple languages can pick them up relatively quickly compared to adults. Still, they need that Primer to learn the alphabet and become proficient and fluent in writing and reading the language. The Primer supplies them with the rules and principles of that language. Can children simply absorb the spoken languages and become proficient in using them functionally without learning from a Primer how to read and write? Yes, because in everyday use there are only a few words needed to become functional. The same is true of adults learning another language. They can learn enough to become functional in usage, maybe immersing themselves in the culture that actually speaks the language fluently to learn the rest. Additionally, there are many languages that never progressed beyond the spoken word and function without reading and writing. They still require an informal set of the rules of Grammar to speak well. It is the identification of this internal biological Universal Grammar that is common to all languages. And each individual possesses a "Mother Tongue" which most closely approximates internal speech. Only Humans acquired both language and the ability to read, write and speak it among all creatures. Animals communicate and some can even be taught to imitate speech sounds or use Sign Language, but there is no evidence of "Proto-Languages" where Language gradually developed over time. The evidence is two fold: Language had to be acquired as an infinite set fully formed with the ability to speak, and Language has been acquired relatively recently within the past few thousand years as it appears suddenly in "The Great Leap Forward" with all of Mankind's other major accomplishments.

Fresh Cut Grass - Vimeo

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Auspicious Beginnings

At least half of all Marriages fail and many more live Alone with quiet desperation in unhappy Marriages. There are A LOT of people disappointed in Love, to put it mildly. My Parents were mismatched. Dad danced with Mom before they were married and she was delighted because she cherished dancing to Big Band tunes of the 1940's, but after they were married he stopped. I was "love bombed" before Marriage and called "Mr. Wonderful" by my fiance every day. She even put it in the Newspaper for everyone to see. My flagging ego was exquisitely raised proudly to the top. It ended when we were married and it gradually disintegrated over 25 of the best years of this "life" we are granted. One lesson my Parents showed me by example is that you NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER. They stayed together and had plenty to complain about, but they never did so openly, to the death. How can I "accept" Divorce? It is a living death to me. We made a solemn promise, a VOW, before God and Man, and we are breaking it. My heart is broken. Everything I am as a man is violated. The question asked in every Divorce, in so many words, asks if the Marriage is completely "broken." The sacred vow can only be broken by Adultery or Death and neither, to my knowledge, has happened. How can I state under Oath that this is true? We have a Covenant Bond symbolized by our rings. If this means nothing anymore, not worth the paper it is written on, then what Meaning is left?

Kids

Just as every human that has ever lived died, everyone started out as a cute baby and grew as a child. As one astute father observed, "Then they grow up and become selfish jerks." Of course, that isn't universally true because some grow up to be wonderful adults. Still, we acquiesce to the fact that ALL children and adults are a melange of good and bad traits. Conscientious parents try to prune the bad away to reveal the good and sweet nature through discipline. One school teacher lamented that 'children are not all innocent creatures. They can be more evil than you can imagine.' She, of course, was speaking from actual experience. Parents also, if they are not completely blinded by sentimentality and family pride, reluctantly admit their little angels can quite often be almost demonic at times. So it is a very real challenge, knowing that no matter how hard they try, their babies will be bad to some degree under certain circumstances. They may blame others, the environment, genetics, and a host of influences, but the bottom line is what develops in the mind and heart of the child alone. It cannot be overstated.

Evil is Bad

Children in their early years recognize badness in stories and in how others may treat them badly, but they often struggle with seeing it in themselves. Conversely, they are usually the first to extend forgiveness and forgetting when the event is over with. Parents want to instill discipline when kids are bad to teach them a valuable lesson, "to nip it in the bud," so they grow up to be conscious of the consequences of being bad. Teaching moments include what one janitor in a school did to encourage kids to clean up after themselves. He gave candy in wrappers to the kids at certain times and provided the appropriate trash can on the way out of the classroom. He did this to at least two classes, but in one room he praised the kids for throwing their wrappers in the trash every day they received candy and told them they were good kids for doing so. In the other classroom he said nothing to the kids. In BOTH cases the kids generally threw the wrappers everywhere but the trash can, at first. Eventually, the class that was consistently praised for being so clean actually did throw their wrappers away while the other kids kept on throwing them everywhere but the trash. Praise caused them to gradually identify with being clean and they changed their own behaviors as a result: "We are the clean class," they must have been thinking. Badness or evil is really selfishness. The difference is a matter of degree. When someone practices badness, deliberately choosing AND identifying with it, they become evil over time. This universal principle involves ALL intelligent creatures.

Natural Born

Sometimes people look like what they really are. Most of the time there are exceptions because we have first impressions that prove to be wrong. There are times, though, that a synchronicity occurs. Even then, we want to believe the best about people. How many stories are there about beastly guys that end up having a good soft heart? Maybe their experiences in life embittered them or hardened them and they just had to work it out or somebody came along that changed their heart for the better. It is against our nature to accept that certain ones seem to turn to evil and stay there out of decisions they make or are simply "bad seeds" that are born evil. More often than not, they choose to be evil. Why would someone deliberately side with what is bad? It is usually a matter of opportunities and rewards along the way. Unfortunately, these rewards and opportunities effect a lot of people because their choices bring them into positions of power, wealth, influence, fame, and so on that spreads out and makes a whole lot of misery.

I'm Bat...WHAT?!

My very first Super Hero was Batman, but I had this thing about Superman and there was a conflict. Batman had a lot of cool equipment while Superman had every super power known to man it seemed. And when I was growing up in the 1960's there was this silly campy Batman and Robin TV show that went right over my head, but the actors seemed to be having fun doing the show which was good enough for me. I actually believed Batman and Robin could walk up a vertical wall with only a rope. Anyway, there was an earlier TV show about Superman with George Reeves that was supposed to be more serious, but I never enjoyed it as much. So I had this ongoing conflict between super powers and cool equipment: Which one was better? Well, Batman was out and Superman was in. For awhile. Then, I switched back.

QUOTATION ― Blaise Pascal, "Pensées"

“Man is only a reed, the weakest in nature, but he is a thinking reed. There is no need for the whole universe to take up arms to crush him: a vapour, a drop of water is enough to kill him. but even if the universe were to crush him, man would still be nobler than his slayer, because he knows that he is dying and the advantage the universe has over him. The universe knows none of this.”
― Blaise Pascal, "Pensées"

"One Art" By Elizabeth Bishop

Elizabeth Boleman-Herring's portrait.


"One Art"
By Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

— Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Born Again

In my early twenties, it was the 1980's, a Charismatic Pentacostal preacher showed up in town and had a tent revival meeting at the park by the lake and it was broadcast live on the local AM Station. He wanted to form an instant church following locally so there were several people from out of town attending to get things fired up when the time came. The preacher had a good turn out for his sermon and about 20 minutes into it he invited the audience to all come forward and accept the Lord Jesus into their lives and hearts. I was in the very back row and the tent had no sides so I exited stage right. Some people came after me, urging me to return and be "Born Again" as everyone else seemed to be experiencing. The piano playing lady was loudly "speaking in tongues" while others were writhing around in ecstasy at her feet. The preacher was "laying on hands" confirming one after the other as a Born Again Christian; born to life anew. Apparently I was the only demon being cast out at the time. Simply getting up and leaving after the sermon was out of the question apparently. They persisted to prevail upon me to return so finally I said, "There is no burning Hell Fire in the Bible. It's not there." Well, finally I walked away because no one was in a reasonable mood that night. Everything was about this orgy going on inside the tent. The whole mosh pit became new church congregants. I liken it to an orgy or mosh pit because whatever the lady was babbling it wasn't a real language at all. It sounded obscene in tone and the whole scenario of those surrounding her were of people in the throes of orgasm. I watched a video of Sarah Palin having "demons expelled" in church and it was similar.

Selfies

When I think of Narcissism or any number of Disorders that afflict us, I have adopted the view of many doctors today that most of these personality traits exist on Spectrums or degrees of severity in all of us. Some are latent, dormant or recessive, but they are definitely there. Especially when we are of the belief that we created the good traits ourselves while the bad and ugly traits just seem to be an unfortunate side effect inflicted upon us by nature or lack of nurturing. Now we have encoded the entire Genome and take the liberty of blaming things on genetics rather than owning the privilege of the good, bad, and ugly of the full spectrum of our humanity. Animals, of course, carry no such load of responsibilities except on the most basic levels. They simply exist as they are without pretenses. Animals have what can be considered similar feelings and even thought patterns complimentary to our own, and so some countries have given them the designation as Sentient Beings worthy of rights. And so they should be treated as a life form with thoughts and feelings. The Copyright on the Selfie that was taken by the above Primate is being determined in Court to be owned by it or the man's camera. Unfortunately, the Primate lost his Copyright on the photo. The event was considered to be just 'one of those things.'

Death

Death itself is precisely what it appears to be: Non Existence, so I don't fear death itself. Only the many feelings that precede it. Although it is an enemy, it is often a welcome one because of the circumstances we find ourselves in toward the end of our lives in particular. It is a tragedy when life is cut short when we are young or it is unexpected and sudden. We have no time to grieve the losses. And grieving is a necessary experience to anyone surviving such a loss. Because of fear and superstitions regarding death people become very uncomfortable discussing the subject openly. Still, everyone whom has ever lived has died without even a single exception. I confess, even though I have been around people dying and experiencing their loss and grief, and pain, it still makes me very uncomfortable. Birth also makes me exquisitely uncomfortable and nervous. The beginning and end of life. We seem to have no control over it.

Lyars

Having powerful enemies, even when they don't appear to be in my proximity, is a continuous danger. They can strike seemingly out of no where; from out of the darkness, with a sudden violent ferocity. I cannot prepare enough for their attacks, so I am often hyper vigilant during the course of my long day, expecting the unexpected, whether it be subtle or frontal in nature. It is an ongoing trauma and stress I find disturbing. Some day it will be over, but until then I cannot thrive; only stay alive and survive it. Even when I try to sleep I have bad dreams, jumping out of bed. It has been this way since I was a child.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Doctor Dan

A very talented musician and entertainer of a rock band I followed around called me "Doctor Dan" because I have some intelligence and always conscientiously tried to help people where ever I can. I learned it from my mother actually. So from the time I could walk and talk I wanted to "help people." That was why my chosen field was Health Care and thus the name Doctor Dan. I had no Degree, only basic Medical Training, as they say. But the Willingness to do whatever I could, no matter what it was, burned inside of me. I remain in that capacity to this day although I am physically and emotionally compromised in what I can realistically do. If I can't do it I find someone who can do it. This quality influenced my decisions to get Married to a pre-existing family and help in other ways. Today I suffer Burnout from a failure of the outcomes of these decisions as well as personal failures. It is difficult to go on. I suppose my most daunting task is to help me.

A Requiem For A Dream

The most traumatic film I have ever seen to date is "A Requiem For A Dream" about several different people seeking to enhance their personal lives with risky lifestyles and plans that do not turn out well. I am not one to sit through traumatizing movies because I am a very sensitive individual that uses Dissociation of my mind from Reality to escape the unpleasantries of this "life." Learned behavior as a child, because of what was happening around me at the time, is the source of the Dissociative state. Not to be confused with DisASSOCIATION, Dissociation is a disconnection into a fantasy world. I have to consciously and Mindfully meditate to bring myself back into my self and the environment. I am not on the Autistic Spectrum, I am Bipolar, and I have tried to expose myself to traumatizing events, whether real or imagined, in an effort to desensitize myself and deal with the underlying issues. There are no underlying issues, but there is a cure: Ketamine. I was in a Study at NIH in 2011 in DC and the infusion took it all away for three days. I can't afford the Treatment. It's not covered by Insurance Plans anywhere, really.

Beyond Words

There are clearly experiences that are beyond words; deeply embedded and almost never expressed to even our closest friends. I took a very real risk in exposing my inner self. A Friendship ended on that very sudden shocking finale. At a key point in my life when I needed my friend the most it was over. I blame the fifth step of the 12 Steps used by AA and other groups that compelled me to "confess...the exact nature of my wrongs" to a trusted confidante that could help me Spiritually. It clearly did more unrepairable damage than good and burned some important bridges along the way. Had I kept my mouth shut for the rest of my life I would be far better off than I am Today. So if I am being vague it is because of this bad experience. Why should I trust the rest of the world?

Crazy Girl Friends

Not everyone has the experience of having a crazy girlfriend, but many do and can identify with this. It was in my teens so I haven't talked much about it. She was my first experience and almost my last. She was older than me so I thought it was normal. We tried EVERYTHING and it makes me cringe. We even participated in a Study about young men and older women couples by a major author who was writing a book about it. I can't name Names. It lasted several years and was really quite traumatic personally.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Down On My Knees Before The Grinch by Elizabeth Boleman-Herring of www.WeeklyHubris.com

Down On My Knees Before The Grinch

Elizabeth Boleman-Herring
“Where we live, in north-central Florida, patience is not a virtue but an absolute necessity. The community here, especially at such emporia as Hallmark, is largely in its late 70s and 80s, and no one moves quickly or, often, predictably and rationally. More of us than not, hereabouts, are a few feathers short of a dove.”—By Elizabeth Boleman-Herring
By Way of Being


By Elizabeth Boleman-Herring


I apologize, for everything.
I apologize, for everything.
“When you forgive, you free your soul. But when you say I’m sorry, you free two souls.”
Donald L. Hicks
Elizabeth Boleman-HerringPETIT TRIANON Florida—(Weekly Hubris)—12/14/2015—The Hallmark Store is a place I avoid, for nothing says nothing quite like a Hallmark card.
But, it was mid-December, I’d run out of photo-holding-holiday cards, and Hallmark was having a sale.
Where we live, in north-central Florida, patience is not a virtue but an absolute necessity. The community here, especially at such emporia as Hallmark, is largely in its late 70s and 80s, and no one moves quickly or, often, predictably and rationally. More of us than not, hereabouts, are a few feathers short of a dove.
Grumpy old white men abound—as nowhere else I’ve been on the planet. Grumpy old men wearing any and all far-Right insignia they can, literally stitched onto their shirts and baseball hats.
So, when I heard his voice—loud, aggrieved, petulant—even before I saw him, I knew what to expect.
He was short and slight and very old and very white, and he was, demonstrably, a veteran of this, that, and the other war, and a supporter of this, that, and the other Republican presidential candidate.
Near the crowded check-out lines, where women in advanced middle age were helping customers with purchases, and wearing elf and Santa aprons, Xmas earrings, and red and green from head to toe, one woman employee had been cornered against a Xmas display and was wilting under a tirade delivered by . . . let’s call him Mr. G.
“You told me it would be here today, and it isn’t! It isn’t,” said Mr. G. “I made a trip all the way over here because you told me it would be here!”
The cornered woman, again (and again), as I stood there, surrounded by her silent cohorts frozen in a red-and-green Greek chorus, said, “I’m so sorry, Sir! I understand how you must feel, but I just couldn’t make it to the storeroom today to pick it up for you. It will be here tomorrow. I promise.”
“But that’s what you said yesterday,” said Mr. G (again). “How do I know you won’t mess up again? I made the drive all the way over here, and I’ll have to do it again tomorrow, and . . .”
“Sir, I apologize, again,” said the saleswoman, “but it’s been terribly busy this week, and . . .”
“I can’t believe this has happened to me!” continued Mr. G. “Is this any way to run a business!?”
I hadn’t actually been timing this back-and-forth between Mr. G. and the pleasant woman with the enormously swollen ankles and long-un-cut salt-and-pepper hair, but I knew that at least seven pairs of eyes were now on her and Mr. G., all of them belonging to exhausted elderly women, their hands full of cards and ornaments to send to friends and family far away.
No one could proceed to check-out while he blocked access to the lines and cash registers; no one seemed able to move. 
I, however, was close enough to reach out and touch both the protagonists, as well as most members of the silent chorus.
A beat of time passed. A still point of silence between accuser and accused.
There are moments that bring out the Sophocles or, more typically, the Aristophanes, in some of us, and this was one of those Hallmark moments.
I fell—literally, noisily, and painfully—to my knees before this old man, clasped my hands in prayer before my face (and his), and (like the Trojan women) raised my voice.
“I am sorry, Sir! I apologize for this kind, long-suffering woman before you, who is so tired of standing on her feet! I apologize for your wife, however and whenever she may have offended you, or offend you, yet. For your daughters, your mother, your granddaughters; for all women, wherever they are, who have obviously so, so let you down; who will ever let you down from here on out! I apologize for your having been inconvenienced during the busy holiday season! In fact, I apologize, in advance, for anyone and everyone, no matter their sex, who will let you down. Ever! Here, at your feet, as you can see, I apologize for us all! In the past, in the present, and even in the future. It’s not much, I allow, my apology, but it’s all I can do!”
I would have gone on (and on, and on), had he not relented—almost—and turned slightly toward the door. But, wouldn’t you know it, he opened his mouth to say one more thing, and I was compelled to begin again— “I apologize!”—before he finally exited, deeply and obviously confused, stage right.
Only then, did I rise. 
. . . to silence that lasted just a second, before one of the women in line took me in her arms. 
Thank you for saving me!” she said. “Oh, thank you! You have no idea what I was about to say! I was just a tick from lighting into him, but you did it. You made him stop.”
I was thinking of my father, just after this unscripted performance of mine, after the circle of Hallmark women had come together, borne witness, laughed, and reached out to touch one another before dispersing into the vast strip-mall parking lot beyond the store. 
My father believed that, in any situation involving human lunacy, if one person simply stepped outside the box, the shared box of delusion, and was seen to step out of it, a little more light might become available for everyone involved.
Either that, or the police would be called to take her away . . .
To order Elizabeth Boleman-Herring’s memoir and/or her erotic novel, click on the book covers below:
Elizabeth Boleman, Greek Unorthdox: Bande a Part & a Farewell to Ikaros
Elizabeth Boleman Herring, The Visitors’ Book (or Silva Rerum): An Erotic Fable

About Elizabeth Boleman-Herring

Elizabeth Boleman-Herring, Publishing-Editor of Weekly Hubris, and a columnist for The Huffington Post, considers herself an Outsider Artist (of Ink), a bargain-basement love-child of Lenny Bruce and Sylvia Plath (out of Erma Bombeck). Of especial note is her recent publication of The Visitors’ Book (or Silva Rerum): An Erotic Fable (purchase the novel at Buy The Book). Her personal columns (written sans mask) make some readers squirm; her political columns, usually incendiary, make other readers squirm. (Boleman-Herring believes squirming is the 21st century’s antidote to sitting on the sofa watching “America's Got Talent” and “Project Runway.”) Thirty years an academic, she has also worked steadily as a founding-editor of journals, magazines and newspapers, and is the author of 15+ books. Three other hats Boleman-Herring has at times worn are those of a Traditional Usui Reiki Master, an Iyengar-Style Yoga teacher and, as “Bebe Herring,” a jazz lyricist for the likes of Thelonious Monk, Kenny Dorham, and Bill Evans. (Her online Greek travel guide is accessible at www.GreeceTraveler.com , and her memoir, Greek Unorthodox: Bande a Part & A Farewell To Ikaros, is available through  www.GreeceInPrint.com.)
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