Blog Archive

Friday, May 19, 2017

Two-Eyed Danny of Wisconsin

That's what they call me. Because I have two eyes and I live in Wisconsin. But I can see better than anybody. I see things others don't see. I notice what others might overlook. I pay attention to things. And I like it when things have more than one use, you know, to save the planet and stuff. Like batteries. I recharge every battery I use even though they say not to because they heat up and explode, but I don't let that stop me. No, I have a battery recharger and by God I'm going to use it! Sure they heat up and explode sometimes because they aren't rechargeable batteries, but at least they don't ALL explode. Some of them get recharged. I don't believe in worrying myself about it.
I like to do things in batches. I will save up things to do and places to go for when I actually go somewhere, like the store. While I am on the way to the store, or when I am coming back home, I shut off the motor whenever I'm not using it. This not only saves on gas it also saves wear and tear on the car. I have over 181,000 miles on my Chevy Silverado and I expect another 181,000 miles on it before I die. Maybe more. Maybe less.
There's another thing. When I die I made plans to be ground up and spread on my garden. My friend Freddie has a wood chipper, a pretty good big one, and I told Freddie if I die before him to just feed my body into the chipper over the garden and spread me around so it isn't all in one big bloody pile, you know? I says, 'Feed me in head first, Freddie, to make sure I'm really dead!' I figure why bury me or burn me up when I can make things grow? So I made Freddie swear if I end up in a box in the ground to dig me up and put me through the chipper. I promised to do the same for Freddie if he died before me. Since Freddie got that big chipper we have recycled several of our family and friends, but don't tell anybody because Freddie and I heard it was illegal. We always get the biggest tomatoes around every year and everything else grows really good. Of course, we have to keep the animals out. I just shoot them and feed them through the chipper. There have been some complaints about the smell down wind once and awhile, so Freddie and I get some lime and spread it around for the first few weeks to keep it down.
Like the song says it's The Circle of Life. I don't want to break that circle. Another word for circle is cycle, they sound alike, and I figure it's like a four cycle engine. You know, you got the intake stroke, the compression stroke, ignition stroke and exhaust strokes. If one of those don't happen at the right time the engine backfires or loses power and maybe even quits altogether. My piston's on the downstroke and when it comes up again I will be blown out like exhaust into the atmosphere. No sense pretending that I'm firing on all eight cylinders. I'm not going to live forever and neither is Freddie. We just haven't worked out who will shut the chipper down once the last of us gets fed through. Thanks.